Daniel Polverari
Mrs. Boresen
Expos, 4
College Essay1/28/2010
I am very interested in Civil Engineering and it is for this reason that I perceive my life as a building, in terms. I see my life like this because I have a strong foundation, the foundation is high school and how it has set me up to achieve my goals. I am a dedicated hard worker who strives to do his best in all situations. Since my interest is Civil engineering, I have taken many math courses and technology classes to help prepare for engineering and how technology is now a way of life. Yes, I’m very interested in math and engineering, but through my high school career I have taken a variety of courses ranging from speech and debate to science and forensics, as I keep an open mind about other subjects that may interest me or excite me. Perhaps the strongest support of my life has been school, which has allowed me to start building on it with many honors, such as National Honor Society (NHS), where I am the only male member at my school. I have also received the honor going to Boy’s State in Pueblo; this was a great honor because they only chose five people to represent our school. Each of these honors were great, but the best feeling is when you help someone out, and I have volunteered at the Medical Center of the Rockies, and I have mentored young children teaching them how to read and how to play baseball, great experiences, give strong memories and each accomplishment has been a support beam in my life.
My future will add more necessities to my building and as I grow older I am hoping to excel in whatever I may do, which includes college and beyond. While in college I’m planning to earn a degree in Civil engineering and I expect to graduate within four years. From there I would like to earn a job with my education and further my knowledge about engineering.
Maybe the most important thing in my life and the greatest part of my building is my family. My family has been there for me through the good and bad, and have influenced me the greatest. My mom doesn’t work and therefore provides me with solutions to my problems, she is always there for me, and stresses the importance of secondary education. My dad, however, works at oracle as an engineer and is one of my biggest influences and reasons why I would like to be one as well.
Each component I have mentioned helps to build a strong and enduring building that can last a lifetime. I have been fortunate to assemble mine with many key components to help it through life. I’m excited to study Civil Engineering knowing that I have set myself up to succeed.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
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Daniel, I enjoyed your refreshing analagy of the building that is you. It corralates to what you hope to do with your future quite well. You covered all the main points and all I noticed where a few gramatical errors, so that would result in a -10 for carelessness. One other thing is that you do not say why exactly you need this scholarship, which can be quickly remedied. Other then that this was a well rounded essay. I believe it would receive a solid 94.45%.
ReplyDeletethe one component i think you are missing is the contribution and diversity. you did mention that you are the only male in NHS, which would give you some points for diversity but not all points.
ReplyDeletei also think you need to tell a story about a time in your life that involved engineering. i might give even give it a 94.46% :)
On the college essay rubric I gave you a 55. Everything was really great, I liked the way you used the building thing with the foundation. That was a really nice way of tieing the essay together. Focus had a full ten points. I think you should read this essay aloud because although it contains great information, it is a little awkward to read at times. The best part was that you covered a lot of the requirements well. The only one I didnt really see was the money aspect, and why you needed the scholarship. Overall as a grade I would give you a 90 percent.
ReplyDeleteI felt like I was reading a rough draft. I didn't see you using techniques that you have learned in your English classes to help the flow. It was clear that you were answering questions for someone, but that someone wasn't clear. You didn't talk about the need for money and you didn't keep up with the theme. Talk to me about where you can find the revised essay.
ReplyDeleteScore based on the rubric: 65/100